Straw Woman Makes Outrageous Argument Despite Not Actually Existing

Whatever will those feminists get upset by next?! We’ve just learned that a hypothetical woman, who doesn’t exist within any sort of corporeal reality outside of ill-conceived arguments, is really angry about your ability to access and play new FPS Gruff McMann and The Aliens He Needed to Kill 3: The Second Assault.

Julia ‘Definitely-Real’ Graves, who purportedly has no actual interest in games but who actively wants to prevent white male audiences from having fun, has theoretically been very outspoken – or at least should be if she were real, rather than the impossible masturbation dream of an Internet comment thread.

She has been reluctant to speak out until now, primarily because of her complete inability to play and understand games (which, according to many commentators, boils down to her being a ‘typical fake gamer girl’), as well as the fact that she is entirely imaginary.

‘Look, it’s hard to simultaneously play through a game and systematically ruin the industry with my agenda of baseless censorship, which is definitely the genuine goal of mainstream feminism,’ she would have said, apparently.

‘My goal is to ensure that the men who enjoyed this game never find true love.’

Graves pointedly admitted that she was ‘just jealous’ of men who know how to game, and that she finds them ‘kind of sexy’. She further clarified: ‘of course none of this is true, because I’m non-existent and entirely fictional. I am the fever-dream of an idiot.’

Naturally, some gamers (but not all gamers, we’ve been asked to clarify) are furious. ‘I’m sure she’s composing one of those million-word essays about how the broad culture around videogames has a lot of problems, which is bound to be directed very specifically at me and my online friends’ said Arthur ‘Boners’ Bones, who inexplicably believes Grave’s existence to be both plausible and likely.

‘She’s definitely a real person, but she’s not a real gamer. I wouldn’t sleep with her either, even though she definitely wants me to.’

So what’s next for Graves? ‘Oh, you know, I’m planning on getting violent content banned regardless of context or intent, using sex as a weapon, maybe going door to door literally taking men’s toys from them’, she didn’t say.

‘Just all those typical things that women don’t actually do.’