Opinion: Female Gamers Simply Don’t Have The Reflexes To Be Called A Bitch Slut Whore At A Professional Level

I’m hearing a lot of talk these days from so-called “Female Gamers” who want to break into the esports scene – accusing the players there of “sexism”, “misogyny”, and, if you can believe it despite the total lack of evidence, “highly believable, documented attempts at sexual assault”.

Every day it’s the same thing – I open my social media, scroll through a few screens, don’t see anything to write about, deliberately keyword search for subjects I know will play to my brand, finally find someone who is saying something I disagree with, screenshot them, take a break to stalk the woman who ghosted me on Tinder three years ago, take the screenshot out of context, and then get performatively mad about it. It’s like it’s being shoved in my face! Awful.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news ladies, but here’s the simple, biological fact – women don’t have what it takes to be repeatedly called a slut over and over again while trying to play a game at a high skill level.

There’s a good reason that all the best players in the world are men, and it’s not because of “an established culture of hostile masculinity created and maintained consciously or unconsciously over many years”, as some fragile feminists have claimed. It’s just because men have naturally evolved, thanks to presumably testosterone or whatever, to operate at peak efficiency while someone shouts the word “whore” into their ears at top volume. This is just common sense.

Men famously love to be shouted at and abused and told that they will be sexually assaulted, and it’s those kinds of detailed rape threats which make esports great.  I believe it was the iconic manly man John Wayne who once said “I believe in white supremacy”, and quite frankly there’s nothing more abusive than that.

If women don’t like the way that esports just naturally and organically is, then why don’t they just transition and become men? That would solve the problem almost instantly, with a minimum of effort or stress, and presumably drastically cut down on the amount of abuse they receive. Am I the only one daring to propose such a progressive plan?

As somebody who owns not one but three shirts that say “I Fucking Love Science,” let me be the one to break it to you: science. Hormones. Atoms. Picture of space. Lab coats!! Do you see what I’m getting at?

In fact, other people who also have the same scientific qualifications as me now hypothesise that during the Dinosaur Age, mammoths may have evolved their long trunks so that they could loudly toot words like “slut” or “bitch” at the men hunting them. Women, who found these sorts of insults unbearable even back then, would stay behind in caves or whatever and play a rudimentary version of The Sims with their numerous offspring.

Fortunately for all of us as a species, the powerful mammoth-hunting men evolved over time to be immune to these kinds of quite frankly not-that-offensive misogynist slurs, and were able to support their families by winning at esports tournaments. Women evolved too, forming capable, voluminous vagina bones. The rest, as they say, is history (which I have studied).

Now before the angry feminists come rushing at me with their torches, their pitchforks, and their unhelpful comments pointing out that I “suck shit” and “don’t know what I’m talking about,” let me just say this: obviously I’m not saying ALL women. Clearly some women, such as [google this before publishing] thrive in this kind of dangerous environment. And for that, [name] ought to be congratulated, although I will say that it was a bit unnecessarily political when she used a post-game interview to suggest she would be pressing charges.

After all, as the ancient Jurassic mammoth shows, it’s not misogynist to be repeatedly called a cum dumpster – it’s simply how science works. And I think that’s something a lot of women need to think about.

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