“Just Mash Triangle”: Kratos Gives Birds & Bees Talk To Confused Son

The immortal Spartan warrior and demigod Kratos has taken time out of his busy schedule to provide his adolescent son Atreus with a brief pointer on what quicktime events to expect when enjoying an intimate moment with a partner.

“Basically, when they’re ready for it, a big flashing circle icon will appear above their head, and they will already have no shirt on,” said Kratos, looking around desperately to avoid meeting his curious young son’s eyes.

“That means you need to press circle. That’s how you know they’re into it.”

“After you press circle, then you kind of… well you probably won’t be able to see it, because it all happens off screen. But you’ll hear a lot of noises, which means it’s probably going okay.”

“At this point I kind of just mash triangle and hope for the best,” finished the mass-murdering psychopath father lamely. “When it’s all over, red orbs will fall out of them. That’s about it. It’s a nice way to get some orbs.”

A newcomer to fatherhood, Kratos explained that he had been putting off what he calls “the talk” for as long as he could in order to “keep Atreus safe”.

“Literally any one of the people I’ve had sex with, or that Atraeus could have sex with, could be Zeus,” explained the veteran warrior with a weary sigh. “Literally any of them. Men, women, animals, furniture, trees… anything could be Zeus, trying to get a cheeky fuck in.”

“What kind of world is that in which to raise a child?”