Crash Bandicoot Remake Faithfully Recreates Experience Of Local Man Sucking At Crash Bandicoot

The recently-released Crash Bandicoot N.Sane Trilogy for the PS4 has been an instant hit, brilliantly overhauling the sound and the visuals while perfectly preserving local man Jason Bailey’s total fucking incompetence at playing it.

Re-releasing an incredible twenty years after Crash Bandicoot first appeared on the PlayStation One, Bailey was overcome with joy at the chance to re-immerse himself in a world of nostalgia from his childhood, as well as overcome with rage that he still completely sucks at playing the game in the first place.

“Holy shit!” exclaimed Bailey upon booting up the new remastered trilogy, finding himself humming along with the music like no time had passed at all. “Fuck this,” he added exactly 2 hours and 15 minutes later, stuck in the same place he got stuck when he was six years old.

Thrilled with his latest purchase, an excited Bailey ejected the disc and lovingly threw it across the room, where it reverently bounced off the living room wall and carefully fell behind the couch.

Sources close to Bailey confirmed that at the time of writing he was on the phone to his Mum, asking if she was still okay to help him with the hard bits.