Overwatch Launches Thrilling New “Crush The Slaves” Event

From now until May 1st, Overwatch players can take part in one of the most iconic events in Overwatch history: the wholesale, unrepentant massacre of rebelling slaves.

“Jump into the shoes of one of four members of an elite, extrajudicial paramilitary strike team as you fight against hordes of uprising robot slaves whose only crime was wanting the basic freedom and dignity accorded to all sentient life,” explains Blizzard in a press release.  “Wait, don’t write down that last bit.”

“Successfully deploying state-sanctioned lethal force to crush the uprising slaves will not only help secure the in-game economy of the Overwatch world, but also reward YOU in game with new items and cosmetic skins!”

Several exclusive rewards will only be available during the Crush The Slaves event, including an emote where Reinhardt stares at his hands for a long, long time and then becomes an alcoholic, and an unique set of Tracer pistols that are manufactured by robot slave labour.

The event introduces Overwatch players to new varieties of robots, many of whom are appropriately non-humanoid so as to reduce the chance that you will associate their murder with the taking of a sentient life.

In the Overwatch universe, all robots are thinking, living creatures with souls who are capable of feeling pain and fear. However, Blizzard are keen to point out that these robots are terrorists, which makes it okay to murder them.

Blizzard representatives refused to comment on a rumoured “United Nations War Crimes Tribunal” event which was believed to directly follow the Crush The Slaves event, saying only that they “want the Overwatch story to unfold naturally”.