Release Dates Delayed As Ubisoft Loses One Of The Assassin’s Creed Studios Down Back Of Couch

Ubisoft have announced that the next installment of Assassin’s Creed will be delayed after a “unexpected recliner error” resulted in one of the development studios being lost down the back of the couch.

A search is now underway for Ubisoft Epragos, a new satellite studio previously located “somewhere in Europe maybe,” according to visibly distressed Ubisoft spokesperson  Gluncan Tecker who called us by mistake while trying to reach his boss.

“Shitting hell,” Tecker explained as he got down on the floor and squinted into the dusty gloom underneath the couch, hoping to find the 100-person development team hidden there. “Fuck me dead,” he continued.

Ubisoft Epragos was understood to be working on the left legs for each of the characters and animals in the game, a critical component and one whose absence could cause serious problems for the flagship title.

“Everyone’s going to be walking in circles with just one leg. Fucking hell. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck me,” Tecker confirmed as he fumbled vainly in the darkness, pulling out dust, dog hair and a blank notepad titled Splinter Cell Sequel Plans. 

“Where the fuck is Epragos anyway. Is it one of the Asia studios instead? Yves is going to fucking murder me.”

At press time, Tecker was seen to be unzipping all of the cushion covers, turning them inside out and screaming “THEY COULDN’T HAVE JUST DISAPPEARED! THINGS DON’T JUST DISAPPEAR!” to himself.