KING: Duke Nukem Pledges To Stop Drinking Out Of Toilets During Coronavirus Outbreak

Broadcasting live from his self-imposed quarantine in a strip club which he claims is “essential business, baby”, human growth hormone awareness spokesperson Duke Nukem has pledged to do his part to improve sanitation practices by no longer drinking horrific sludge straight from toilets.

“Hell yeah,” proclaimed the Duke to his zero viewers, before stopping, frowning, doing several karate kicks and then spending 45 minutes fruitlessly trying to get a live stream going on his phone until a nearby stripper took pity on him and showed him how to use the Facebook app.

“Hell yeah,” the Ultimate Alien Ass Kicker announced again once everything was up and running. “I came here to look at titties and drink out of the toilet, and I’m all out of toilet. Drinking out of it, that is, baby.”

“Drinking out of the toilet sucks ass,” the 53 year-old clarified after a moment of silence, wiping a brown smudge from around his mouth. 

After taking a short run-up, Nukem then dropped a piledriver onto a toilet, shattering it and spilling porcelain shards and turds all over the floor.

“Normally I’d be down there on my hands and knees licking up that good ol’ shitter juice like a real man,” he explained, rubbing his elbow and clearly doing his best to cover up an incredible amount of pain. “But with this alien mutant virus on the loose, the King is holding back.”

Nukem told Point & Clickbait that he realised he needed to “can it with drinking out of the can” after he saw “some hot babes doing it on Instagram” and realised it was “for chicks”.

“There are so many babes on this rectangle thing,” the King of the World said, browsing his Instagram feed while, in the background, one of the strippers slowly reached for a gun. “The Duke can just talk to any of those babes any time he wants, and they all love it, baby.”