Local Man Escapes From Unnecessarily Complicated Real Life In Order To Manage Unnecessarily Complicated Turnip Empire

Local man Donnis Brunks is grinning excitedly today as he closes down the overly complicated spreadsheets he is required to manage for his day job, and opens up an even more complicated spreadsheet which will allow him to maximise the prices he gets for his Animal Crossing turnip sales so that he can build an extension onto his house, coordinating it expertly in an attempt to game the Happy Home Academy system and put himself in better standing with the local council of Butplugg Island.

Point & Clickbait understands that Brunks, who kicked off his shoes and socks and threw his pants across the room, is now settling onto the couch with his Switch and laptop in front of him so that he can “make some mondo bells” this evening and spend them on all on Nook Tickets that will then be traded through meticulously planned online transactions for villagers he will then need to welcome and keep pleased.

“Work is just stressing me out so much right now,” Brunks told this reporter as he ran a custom Microsoft Excel macro which added today’s turnip prices to the last two weeks of data and then automatically predicted a trend over the next three-day window, all the while tweeting out requests to be welcomed into Animal Crossing group chats that will maximize his earning potential before the next interest period.

“I just need a break from the constant grind,” he added as he messaged the word “nip$$$?” to sixteen friends at once (step 6 of his daily “friend grinding” routine) and, for some reason, retrieved a green accountant’s eyeshade from underneath the couch and placed it onto his head.

Observers such as Brunks partner suggest that he is now “relaxing and maxing… his turnip revenue!”, despite it being 2AM, no scorpions showing up on his Mystery Islands that night, and him having work in the morning.

“Absolutely living for the weekend. TGIF,” Brunks concluded, eyeing a colour coded list of Animal Crossing tasks sorted by priority and frantically bidding for a complete set of the amiibo cards on eBay.

In all seriousness, though, are you getting a price above 400~ bells or tracking for a huge increase later this week based on charted past activity? Please, for the love of god, let us know in the comments. We’re in too deep.