Democrat Moderates Vow To Spawn Camp Bernie Or Whatever, Give Us A Break We’re Trying Here

Here’s one for you ‘Yank’ gamers who are based in the United States of America: the Democratic party has said that they will spawn camp Bernie until he ragequits! Our data shows that a lot of our readers are in America, so this one’s for you! And if you don’t like it you can suck shit (or, as we say here in Australia, dunk in a dunny) because we’re still figuring it out.

Here’s what we’ve got so far: Bernie, whose last name we are reasonably certain is Sanders, wants to give health care to everybody, which is like if there were more health packs on the map (again, a video game reference–only 90s kids will remember Super Mario 64!).

The other candidates don’t want him to do that because, well, even outsiders like us can see that they are transparently being paid off or have literally no moral compass, whichever one you like. So they have all decided to uhhhh… let’s say “gank” Sanders when he comes down “mid lane”. Christ this shit just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it. Please share this (or, in Australian: chuck ya mates a suggesto gander) .

Once the [look up what it’s called when all of the Democrats fight each other] is finished, the winner will go on to fight Donald Trump, who is, and stay with us on this one, Dr. Robotnik or possibly Bowser. Bigly, covfefe, etc.

It’s obvious that Bernie will have the best chance against Bowser but for some reason the Democrats don’t want that, probably something to do with how much money they have invested in, let’s just say, cosmetic DLC for the Kangaroo Jack skin. Oh my god! I just realised I could have called it a Battle Royale. Holy shit this headline is going to viral and it’s all because we understand American politics.

Okay, that should do it. If you liked this please feel free to tell a friend, or share it, or really do anything else that will help us feel relevant. As we say here in Australia, they’re gonna munt Sando like two bush dingos in a spudding mudhole.