A Message From Point & Clickbait: What We Are Doing About COVID-19
Dear [NAME HERE],
As one of our valued readers who accidentally gave us their email address four years ago when you tried to order some takeaway but didn’t realise you were in the wrong tab, we wanted to reach out to you with an important message.
Since you joined the Point & Clickbait family, we have been striving to give you the best video game satire, and also, because you keep asking, the best charcoal chicken with garlic sauce, with discounts every Tuesday.
We value this relationship, and we want to reassure you that your health and safety while reading about Cliff Bleszinski and the other characters we made up remains our top priority. Here are the steps we are taking to do our part in limiting the community spread of COVID-19.
We are cancelling the annual Point & Clickbait ‘Face Touching And Spitting Festival’. On the strong and frankly quite rude advice of not just one but an entire group of doctors who entered the room when they overheard us asking our regular doctor, this festival will not be going ahead. We spat on the ground and stormed out, but later reconsidered when another doctor explained things better, telling us that “double doctor visits” are “highly unorthodox”. We look forward to rescheduling this important event for later in the year once everyone stops being such a bunch of prudes.
We will clean our keyboards for the first time in a few years. To be honest, we’ve been putting it off, and it looks like a colony of ants has moved in and are now arranging crumbs to spell out rudimentary punch-lines. We will get in there and put a stop to that, some time this week or maybe next, unless the ants improve their lines beyond “Phil Spencr fukks xbox”.
We are now offering ‘zero contact jokes’, which are guaranteed not to land. To decrease risk of infection, all of our jokes will now make absolutely no contact with you. So that you know what to look for, this paragraph is an example of one of these jokes.
No more articles about vampires. We’ve received the message loud and clear–you don’t want stories about these unholy ghouls, these hell critters, draining your blood and potentially infecting you right now. For the next two weeks (or at least a week and a half), vampires will be relegated to subtext only, and our upcoming article “What If A Vampire Worked At Nintendo?” has been postponed indefinitely.
We are no longer accepting reusable cups. For years now, Point & Clickbait fans have been putting their dirty reusable coffee cups in the post and sending them to us. Although we appreciate this unsolicited gesture, we can no longer open these cups and lick them to get the much-needed nutrients and food poisoning that we are lacking in our daily lives. We will now be using the money we earn on Patreon on coffee, which we will responsibly retrieve from a busy nearby cafe.
We are putting out rumours that all other satire sites online are infected and will give you COVID-19. It is our sincerely held belief, and thus we cannot be sued, that visiting the websites of our competitors such as Hard Drive or The Onion will result in you immediately catching a deadly pathogen. It’s a shame but there it is. We have an F going in the chat if you would like to join in.
We pledge to make a lot of very funny jokes about the beer brand ‘Corona’. Honestly, have you noticed that there’s a beer brand with the same name as this disease? As satirists, this is our fucking bread and butter. We’re ecstatic.
We pledge to stay far away from the payload in Overwatch. That thing is a fucking breeding ground for germs.
We will continue to monitor the situation and respond to the advice of health authorities, even if they are party-poopers who don’t seem to understand how fun it is to spit into someone else’s open mouth, or to pay someone to spit in yours. If our website is a little slow to respond over the next few months or you spot a spelling error or something, that is also the coronavirus, probably.
Thank you for your understanding during this challenging time.
Tim Colwill & James O’Connor
