EXCLUSIVE: These Women on Tinder are Absolutely Incapable of ‘Kicking My Ass’ at Mario Kart

Listen up, ladies – you might think you can ‘kick my ass’ at Mario Kart, Jennifer (19, 66km away), but you don’t even know me. I was 10 when the first Super Mario Kart came out, and I’ve been playing it ever since. I KNOW that I’m better than you at it. There is absolutely no way you could beat me.

I’ve spent a lot of time scrolling through Tinder – especially since I upgraded to Premium – and I’m noticing a lot of women claiming that they’re able to kick my ass, or my butt, or just generally beat me at Mario Kart. I don’t understand it, though – how could they possibly stand a chance when I’m the sort of guy who can beat Yoshi’s Circuit while only falling off the track once or twice per lap. Seriously, I’m THAT good.

This is a pretty common boast – I’m seeing it in at least one in every 150 profiles – and I simply don’t get where this idea is coming from. My mum tells me that it’s because of something she calls “the social conditioning of the patriarchy, whereby women are only allowed into traditional men’s spaces if they can claim a high level of expertise,” whatever THAT means. All I know is that, as a man, I can kick any girl’s butt at Nintendo.

I remember playing with my babysitter back in the day, and even though she was two years older than me, she just BARELY won. You can’t even imagine how far I’ve come since then, or how many days it’s been since I lost my temper and shat myself. These days, it’s hard to find anyone who will play against me, or even talk to me about the game – I drove a lot of people away simply by being so good that every time I lost, it wasn’t my fault. Even my mum stopped playing with me after I accidentally let her win one time, because she knew how unfair that was.

The absolutely crazy thing is that none of these women are even brave enough to match with me on Tinder, so that they can try and prove their Mario Kart abilities. I know it’s because they’re scared of having their lies exposed. Ever since I changed my profile to accuse “fake bitches” of “thinking they’re better than me at a game they haven’t even played,” I haven’t gotten a single match. I managed to get a 2nd place in the 100CC Banana Cup the other day – how many girls can do THAT??

I want to thank Point & Clickbait for publishing this. When I came to these fine lads they were so excited at the idea that they wouldn’t stop giggling and whispering to each other, presumably about how great it would feel to finally expose the truth. Meanwhile, if you’re a woman aged 18-24, and you’re WILLING AND READY to admit that you’re not as good at Mario Kart as me, drop me a line. Who knows – if you play your cards right, I might even split a footlong Subway sandwich with you.

Should women even be allowed to play Mario Kart? Let us know in the comments!