Star Citizen Backer Confident That Dad Will Return with Cigarettes Any Day Now

When most people’s fathers leave for cigarettes, they return within the hour, or, at worst, within the week. Not so for Star Citizen backer Rascal Owens, who has been waiting a full twelve years and four months for his father’s return.

Owens, a hopeful young man who has invested $26,455 into the still unreleased Star Citizen at the time of writing, sits at his kitchen table most nights, playing solitaire with a pack of casino-reject playing cards, chewing on a stick of gum, reading up on the benefits of donating more money to the long-delayed space trading game, and waiting for his father to return

“I’ve always been a big believer in good things coming to those who wait”, Owens says, checking his eBay listings for the fifth time in fifteen minutes on his sputtering, dying laptop, desperately hoping someone will bid on his kitchen table or playing cards so that he can invest the proceeds into Chris Roberts’ theoretical space simulation. “Dad said that he would be right back, and I don’t see why he would have been lying about something like that.”

Owens takes a drag of his cigarette, then stubs the butt out into an ashtray that he was given last year as part of Reddit Secret Santa conducted by members of the Star Citizen board. When the hand-crafted tchotchke arrived, with the phrase ‘Never Give Up Hope (In The Dreams Of Chris Roberts)’ crudely carved into it, Owens knew two things: that he had to substantially increase his monthly donation to the game’s development, and that his dad would be back any moment now.

Owens inspects the packet in front of him. “The funny thing”, he says, “is that I didn’t even smoke when dad left. Neither did he. I guess he knew something I didn’t.” He puts the packet back down. “I’m almost out and a little broke right now. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”