“It’s My Choice To Buy Loot Boxes,” Says Walking Mess Of Barely Understood Impulses And Meat

The gaming industry’s new focus on a loot box model for monetisation may have many gamers up in arms – but one dopamine-addicted meat golem is taking a stand against the critics.

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with using weaponised addictive psychology tricks to sell products,” explained the existentially fraught collection of cells powered by a biochemical consciousness engine which defied scientific explanation.

“If people want to buy loot boxes, that’s their personal choice and they should be allowed to do so,” the creature added, smiling as a nearby aroma uncontrollably triggered the pleasure centres of its brain.

“I personally make decisions of my own free will all the time,” the creature added. “For example, whenever I feel embarrassed, I choose to activate my fight-or-flight response as if I was facing down a predator in combat. That’s a choice I make, much like buying a loot box.”

The lurching biomatter clump is unlikely to convince other outraged gamers, with a massive consumer pushback already sending many AAA publishers back to the drawing board. However, the creature says it “can’t be held responsible if other, more easily manipulated people overreact”.

“I personally don’t see the problem,” it added. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just made the choice — of my own free will — to send blood flowing to my reproductive organs after witnessing something that reminded me of a previous sexual encounter, and I must leave.”