BioWare Fans Reluctantly Begin Shipping Anthem’s Various Exosuits

BioWare’s dedicated fanbase found themselves bemused and un-aroused by the reveal of new blockbuster IP Anthem at E3 2017, but are slowly starting to come around to the idea of making various parts of the game kiss.

Rather than an epic single-player RPG in the vein of Mass Effect, Dragon Age, KOTOR, Jade Empire, or most of BioWare’s back catalogue, Anthem is an open-world online shooter where players control mech suits and open loot boxes.

This sudden change has left many traditional BioWare supporters wondering exactly what parts of the game to ship, although early work has yielded some promising results.

One fan has already submitted a 30-page treatise, including diagrams, on ways in which various exosuits – referred to in-game as ‘Javelins’ – could possibly be modified to allow for sex. Another has performed a find-and-replace on some unpublished fanfic which turns “Commander Shepard” into “Javelin Commander Shaperre”, but initial feedback suggests that it’s “just not the same, particularly the part where Shaperre and the Asari kiss”.

BioWare general manager Aaryn Flynn explained that while he understood BioWare fans were “thirsty for details, and just generally thirsty,” there was more to Anthem than simply “wanting the robots to kiss”.

“We understand that our fans want that deep BioWare single-player story-telling and that cast of iconic characters, many of which you can fuck. But with Anthem we decided to go in a new direction: completely away from all of that. So we’ve had to make a few compromises – delivering romance dialogue through loot crate item descriptions, for example.”

“We know we have some of the best fans in the world and we’re confident we can work together to make cute, touching, and of course absolutely explicit romance happen within this new framework of an online shooter aimed at 13 year-old kids.”