America’s Newest President Struggling To Find Bad Enough Dudes Willing To Rescue Him

The 45th President of the United States is still waiting to be rescued this morning, following a mysterious and ongoing inability to find bad enough dudes.

Bad enough dudes, who are usually falling all over themselves to rescue kidnapped Presidents, all find themselves mysteriously too “busy” with “other appointments” to help President Trump out from his life-threatening situation.

“Oh yeah, I’ve got… I’ve got a thing on,” said bad enough dude Blade, looking unconvincingly at his phone. “Yeah I’ve got, uh… scrabble… practice. Yeah.”

“I’m mean, I don’t want the guy to get killed by ninjas. I’m just… it’s very important to go to the thing I said I have on. The scrabble thing.”

Donald Trump, kidnapped by ninjas after they cunningly tricked the new leader of the free world by saying “I bet you $10 you can’t fit this bag over your head,” has called the lack of bad enough dudes “sad!”.

“This is all happening because I am the bad enough dude now. This country is sick! Sick. Ninjas are everywhere, the Asians, the Koreans, nobody is more Asian than I am. I know these people.  Of course I’d be more than happy to fight my own way out, but my punches… they are too strong.”

“Too strong. Too dangerous. I can’t use them here. It’s too dangerous. That’s the reason I’m not punching my way out right now.”