Final Fantasy XV To Release Simultaneously With Half-Life 3

Square Enix and Valve have announced a unique partnership that will see their heavily-anticipated titles Final Fantasy XV and Half-Life 3 release at exactly the same time: never.

Under the agreement, Square Enix will license Valve’s patented Valve Time technology to push Final Fantasy XV further and further away from the current timestream and into a pocket dimension where they can forget about it forever.

“We’ve learned so much from Valve,” explained Square Enix CEO Yosuke Matsuda as he finished closing the last of the seven iron locks that seal Final Fantasy XV and Half-Life 3 away in their vault beneath the world.

“Pushing the release date further and further back wasn’t going to work forever. We needed a fresh approach, and Valve provided us with a unique approach that will preserve the hype for the title while never actually requiring us to deliver on it.”

The move has been cautiously welcomed by gamers like Mindy Soto, who feel that any game delivered could never live up to the version they’ve invented in their head.

“Emotional closure is overrated anyway, right?” quipped a strained-looking Soto.

“Right?”