5 Reasons Why This Thinkpiece I Just Shat Out Is Everything
1. It’s timely.
It’s so fucking timely. I had this headline ready to go as soon as I saw the people I follow on Twitter start talking about it. I’m not missing the boat on this traffic train, and I don’t care how many modes of transport I need to throw into this sentence to make it work.
This insipid turdlet is gonna land so fast that the paint will be scorched off the hull from the speed of re-entry. What was that sound? It was glass shattering from the sonic fucking boom of my thinkpiece breaking the sound barrier. Watch out for flying glass, arsehole: my thinkpiece is here.
2. It counts towards my content quota.
Look, fucko — I’ve got deadlines to meet and technically this counts as an article. I’m not supporting quotas in representation here, but when it comes to content quotas, I support them completely. Especially when I can knock one off this easily.
The only way I can deal with the crushing realisation that I’m part of an unthinkably monstrous page impression engine designed to provide maximum ad revenue at minimal cost whose gears are greased by meaningless disposable content like this thinkpiece is to not think about it. Okay? Okay. Fuck you. I’m getting a cigarette.
3. The fact that I actually managed to drag this out to five things is nothing short of a modern miracle.
One thing? Sure. Three things? That’s the bare minimum. This thinkpiece actually manages to spin five technically separate data points out of one incredibly shallow event (though if pressed I will admit that two of them are largely identical). You wouldn’t get that somewhere else, I’m reasonably sure! I’m certainly not going to check to verify that claim and I suggest that you don’t either.
4. I put most of my work into finding just the right gifs.
Okay, let’s be real: I have a folder of them. We all do. It’s how these things work. But I still needed to find just the right ones, and that’s basically half the job description of online journalism in the year of our lord 2016 so by Christ I’m going to do a good job of it.
5. You’ll be convinced enough to share it, but then immediately regret it once one of your friends raises even the slightest criticism.
Much like a bower bird lining its nest with enough random blue garbage to lure in a bizarrely easily-manipulated female, I too have created a situation which seems solid at first glance but will later turn out to be composed of literal trash. You’ll be amazed at how quickly your expression turns from enraptured nodding to regretful grimace as your friend quite accurately points out that you have in fact invited them to partake of an opinion so fantastically ill-formed that it’s a wonder you were able to pin it down with the share button at all. But it’s too late, and if you delete it from your Facebook wall you’ll look like a coward. You’re fucked. You’re fucked, and it’s my fault.
That’s my thinkpiece, arsehole. It’s everything.
