Donald Trump Vows To “Make America’s Gamerscore Great Again”

Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump has addressed a packed crowd at a GameSpot store, vowing to make America’s Gamerscore “great again”.

“Our Gamerscore is in serious trouble. We don’t do owns anymore,” said Trump to rapturous, sustained applause.

“We used to do owns, but now we don’t do them. When was the last time anybody saw us owning, let’s say, China, in a game of Dankey Kong? They kill us. I own China all the time. All the time.”

“When did we own Korea at anything? They send their zargles over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Duke Halo in Seoul? It doesn’t exist, folks. They own us all the time.”

Trump laid the blame for America’s poor Gamerscore and low K:DR squarely at the feet of President Obama, saying “We have a disaster called the big lie: Obamacare. Obamacare. Obamacare and it is bad for the American gamer.”

“Obamacare is making game prices go up 29, 39, 49, and even 55 percent. Obamacare. And internet. It’s bad, folks.  Too slow. How can we be expected to own China if the internet is slow? ISIS have great internet. They are owning us at Mario. Owning.”

“We have to repeal Obamacare right now if we want to get more cheevos and get ISIS. I have loads of cheevos. ISIS are scared of me. Terrified. They log off when they see me jumping online because they know a big own is coming their way.”

Trump outlined what he called a “very high IQ” plan to get America’s gamerscore “back on track, to the top, number one”.

“Look. We can bring our Gamerscore back. That I will tell you. We’re bringing it back. Okay? And I understand what you’re saying. And I get that from so many people. ‘Is our Gamerscore dead?’ They are asking me the question, ‘Is our Gamerscore dead?’. And our Gamerscore is in trouble. That I can tell you. Okay? It’s in trouble.”

“But we’re going to get it back and do some real owns.”