World Energy Crisis Solved As Koei Tecmo Learns To Manufacture Outrage On Demand
World leaders have breathed a sigh of relief today with the announcement that a potentially unlimited source of clean, renewable energy has been discovered in the form of outraged titty-lovin’ gamers.
Japanese developer Koei Tecmo was the first to make the discovery, stumbling upon it accidentally when answering questions from the melon-thirsty audience of their Dead or Alive series of boob-ogling bikini simulators.
“It really was quite incredible,” explained Koei Tecmo’s chief energy technician to Point & Clickbait.
“Our community manager was just doing his regular job, answering a question about when Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 would be released in the West, and decided to blame its delay on the possibility of people maybe criticising our depiction of women.”
“Seconds later, our capacitors were hitting their limits. Outrage was pouring in. It was astonishing! And to think, we just made the whole thing up!”
Independent sources of outrage like GamerGate were quickly connected to the burgeoning Koei Tecmo system, recycling unused energy into further spite and bile and creating a self-perpetuating cycle that has Koei Tecmo’s best scientists scratching their heads in bewilderment.
Distributor Play Asia has pitched into this new energy revolution and is keen to do its part to free the world from the trappings of fossil fuels.
“We saw what Koei Tecmo were doing. Breaking new ground by inventing outrage,” said Play Asia in a statement. “We thought – what if we could take it one step further?”
Play Asia used their Twitter account to blame Dead or Alive Xtreme 3‘s lack of a Western release on “SJW nonsense”, which amplified GamerGate’s already considerable outrage to world-saving levels.
“I really can’t stress this enough — all we had to do was lie completely, just lie through our fucking teeth,” said Play Asia. “We just made the whole thing up and they went absolutely ape shit over it.”
“Now the world’s energy crisis has been solved! Carbon emissions are down, the hole in the ozone layer is shrinking — even the polar ice caps are getting involved and increasing in size.”
“We’re also making money. Lots and lots of money,” they added.
